From Breadcrumbs to Devotion
The liberation that came from no longer abandoning myself
It is wild to feel the circular energy of time.
After leaving my relationship last year, the awareness I had then was vastly different to now.
Back then, it was clear it was time. No question. Yet I was still very much a woman who was happy to receive breadcrumbs.
As I took a shower this morning, a memory arose and it instantaneously morphed to match the awareness I have now.
The memory was “Wow, all those times, when I brought something uncomfortable to my partner and it wasn’t received and I believed his defence that I was criticising him and it was my issue”.
Breadcrumbs.
And the awareness that shone brightly today was the truth that, until your man learns how to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, he will make you the issue.
Until he has learnt how to hold himself in his feminine energy, he will always resent you for not being the Mother he’s searching for.
And my biggest ripple through this circular essence of time is holding the part of me that constantly abandoned myself.
I abandoned myself to stay in connection, even if it didn’t feel true to me. I trusted his words over my own knowing. My devotion to my knowing was not strong enough, I was not deep enough in my body to anchor my experience.
What I’ve shared here is one of the biggest foundational issues in the way women and men relate. And of course there’s a shed load of nuance within this realm, and I’m just speaking from my personal perspective on how this showed up in my life. There are many variables.
What’s so wonderful about growing as a human, is when you have these tangible moments where you literally see your reality shifting in relation to the beliefs you now hold.
I know many of us know that our entire reality is constructed by our beliefs and we create it all, and yet sometimes it can feel hard to grasp.
I’m definitely in the burrow, the darkness of the womb, the chrysalis…
And during this time, I am absorbing my new reality that there are many men out there who aren’t performing spirituality and who choose to meet the moment in its fullness no matter whether it contains joy or deep grief.
This is my current understanding of the relational dynamic that fits where I am moving to that feels the most alive for me:
These men are well aware of the power a woman holds and know that the secret to unlocking her is allowing her to relax so deeply into her feminine. This translates to taking care of her financially, holding the structure so that she doesn’t have to, holding and processing your own emotions and being able to meet hers without anything but presence. This will unlock her ability to multiply everything that she is given.
A man’s purpose in a sacred union is to grow…he grows through being devoted to his woman, living his purpose and receiving his woman’s sacred knowledge and appreciation.
A woman’s purpose in sacred union is to relax…she relaxes through being cherished and adored by her man, she feels deeply safe and seen and heals all of the patriarchical programming through the devotion of this man. And she multiplies everything they are building together without trying.
Together they become a powerhouse. She fully supports him in his purpose and appreciates how incredible he is at what he does and how he shows up in the relationship for her. He receives her oracle fully, he receives her when she sees where he isn’t fully on track and he deeply respects her insight and changes course.
The trust is so deep between them. They aren’t here to complete each other but to assist each other in becoming the highest versions of themselves.
Oh and obvs, the love making is mind blowing. This man knows the truth that if he wants a juicy, turned on woman, it starts with how consistent he is with his actions. It starts with how much safety he can hold for her to fully relax into her feminine energy. When she feels this deeply met, she is ferocious in her turn on, in fact, sometimes he has to tell her no because he wants to tease her and not lose track of his mission. He knows how to hold this balance between his purpose and loving his woman. He knows their love and connection is the engine, the fuel that expands everything they are building together.
I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to open the curtains to these truths.
This all sounded like a fairytale to me a year ago. Well, that’s what I assume I would have felt because this was not in my reality.
I wasn’t ready to see that these men exist. Because I was still often living in the mindset that the men were the problem.
That’s until I took my power back and realised, I am a huge part of that because I am allowing this to happen.
Imagine how much programming, how much horrendous stuff had to happen for women to forget how magical they are. How commonplace is it that we just take for granted that women grow babies and give birth? How are new Mother’s so outcast and isolated when in truth they are meant to be revered as Goddesses because they create new life. That is a power of the Gods.
None of these realisations take away from the fact that everything that happened in my life up till now was perfect. I hold myself in a lot of compassion for being the first one in my family line to break these cycles. I know the density that I’ve been moving through.
Even though it pained me for years, I know it was necessary to believe that there was something wrong with me when I didn’t want to have sex. This is how little knowledge I had, this is how little support I had, no true role models around to present another way.
I was that disconnected from my body to the point that I didn’t trust my body. I could feel her always but I wasn’t listening fully, I was taking in other peoples opinions about how I needed to develop my sexuality.
No.
My sexuality was in tact. Very fucking healthy in fact. In the original template of divine union. Where a woman’s turn on comes from a man cherishing and adoring her and providing the safest nest for her to relax into.
It’s no wonder I didn’t want to have sex when my ex partner blamed me for it, told me he wasn’t ever going to initiate again because he didn’t want to feel rejected anymore and continued to not receive me when I shared uncomfortable things that were asking him to grow.
Wow. It just feels so good to honour and write this out because I felt so ashamed for years. I berated myself internally. I wanted the relationship to work so much that I would try and prepare myself to get excited to have sex; I would have to talk myself into it and initiate from my masculine energy. No bueno.
I did this for quite some years until I got pregnant and then I got an instant upgrade in the body connection department. Suddenly I couldn’t lie to myself like I was doing all those years before. My yoni was not playing ball, she wouldn’t orgasm anymore. It no longer made sense. I knew something deep had shifted in me. My womb was awake and her fire could no longer be ignored. NO MORE OF THIS.
And the awareness continued to permeate into my life. And celibacy followed and I stopped putting all the pressure on myself to make things work because I had tried so much and I realised I can’t flog a dead horse, y’know?
And now with all of this swirling and settling into a new reality, a new way of being. The awareness of what’s possible has opened. And with that, the deepest, darkest longing has risen…
To be fully claimed by a man that is truly balanced in his masculine and feminine energy.
To even know that this is possible now is one thing, but to know that I’m not going to accept breadcrumbs or settle for less is a whole new kettle of fish.
In the midst of many identity shifts happening in this now, I can safely say that I’m preparing myself for this kind of man. And although the longing feels unbearable in moments, I know that it will come when I am ready.
I feel I could write forever on the intricacies of relationship. I absolutely love it. I am grateful for what my 9 year relationship taught me. I would not be the woman I am now if I had not used it to grow and see myself and all my Daddy issues. Woof.
So grateful to be alive as these energies rise, as the true return of sacred union is coming into this reality.
Sending you all love during these cosmic waves!
x